When we are anxious, we often lack control over our thoughts and emotions. Anxious brains often overestimate threats, worry excessively, have difficulty concentrating and a really hard time making decisions. Anxiety also impacts your body; stomach aches, headaches, difficulty sleeping and muscle tension are just some of the symptoms associated with anxiety.
Not surprisingly, our brains really don’t like this so we begin to search for things that we can (or think that we can) control in a misguided attempt to regain equilibrium. Unfortunately, this often leads to more trouble. It turns out that it can be really difficult to control the people and situations around us…..leading to heightened frustration and increased irritability. This irritability is often directed at our friends and family. We tell ourselves that things would be so simple of they just did it our way, listened to our advice and followed our lead. As described by Mel Robbins in her book Let Them “we all have an innate desire to control everything about our lives, our time, our thoughts, our actions, our environment, our plans, our future, our decisions and our surroundings”. Robbins hypothesizes that this helps us feel safe, so we repeat these behaviours, even subconsciously.
Take a moment and think about the things in your life that you would like to control. What would be different? What would be “better”? We often imagine a life filled with serenity and peace. Let’s sit with this for a moment, isn’t this nice?
The reality of trying to assert control is often not so idyllic. Instead, this desire for control often creates conflict. A lot of conflict. Imagine arguing with your teenager over what to wear to school or with your spouse over how to fold the laundry. You may win the argument with your teen (assuming she does not simply change in the school bathroom) but frequently, our partners will tire of trying to please us and being berated. Partners will eventually withdraw and stop trying to make us happy because they feel they can never measure up to our unrealistic expectations.
The circle of the things that we can control is much smaller. It includes things like your thoughts, your actions, your words. What you wear, what you eat. Did you notice the overuse of the word you? This is because the things that you can actually control only involve you. The circle of control concept explains that if we focus on things that we can directly influence and ignore the things that we can’t, then we can improve focus and reduce stress.
This is where Mel Robbin’s let them theory comes in. For those of you that are unfamiliar with this phrase, the basic premise is if you release your need to control others, then the stress and frustration that comes from trying to manage the people in our lives is released. Essentially, we trade worrying about others and the impact of their decisions for inner peace because we free ourselves from stress and tension that we are creating in our relationships. There is something to be said from directing our time and energy from others towards ourselves. Robbins explains that by trying to control the wrong things that we make other people the problem. When we make others the problem, we do not pour time or energy into the things that could actually improve our lives and make things better. For ourselves. We hold ourselves back because we spend too much time worrying about what others are doing. Think about something that you have been wanting to do or change. We often spend time thinking about how things could be different, but how much time are you putting into creating that change and what would happen if you did put time and energy into something that would make you happy? I challenge you to not just contemplate change but to actively pursue making something in your life different.
This is actually scary because it creates accountability and boy do humans like to avoid accountability. But if we are not accountable to ourselves and we are not responsible for the ways that our lives turn out, who is? There is a quote by Moliere that states “it is not only what we do, but what we do not do, for which we are accountable”. Take a moment and think about this, it may just change your life because if you don’t, no one else will.
Lisa Bell
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