By Lisa Bell

Being labeled a narcissist — especially by someone close to you — can hit hard. Maybe you’ve heard it during arguments. Maybe it’s made you question yourself. Maybe you’re wondering what it really means… and if it’s time to talk to someone.

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, narcissism is a personality style that encompasses a wide spectrum of traits; often defined by an ongoing need for validation, restlessness, grandiosity, entitlement, struggles with emotional regulation, lack of empathy, contempt for others and need for dominance. Narcissism can be difficult to accurately assess due to co-morbid mental health conditions such as addiction, ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD and impulsivity control disorders. However, not every narcissist has a co-occurring diagnosis or tendencies.

Narcissists are often successful, confident, intelligent and charming when things are going their way, however, they quickly shape shift into a completely different persona when they are insecure, criticized or facing setbacks. It is important to note that narcissism is about more than bad behaviour.

In her book It’s Not You, Dr. Durvasula debunks some common misperceptions about narcissists;

  • Narcissists are always men
  • Narcissism is just inflated arrogance and/or characterized by excessive bragging
  • Narcissists cannot control their behaviour
  • Narcissists can significantly change

Dr. Durvasula asserts that narcissists frequently engage in patterns;

  • DIMMER patters; dismissiveness, invalidation, minimization, manipulation, exploitativeness and rage.
  • Domination patterns characterized by domination, isolation, revenge and threats
  • Disagreeable patterns: arguing, baiting, blame shifting, justifying, rationalizing, criticizing, being contemptuous, humiliating
  • Betrayal patters: lying, being unfaithful

If you are prone to these behaviours, it may be time to speak to a mental health professional.

Often, narcissists were exposed to these patterns in childhood and carry their experiences into adult relationships.  Similarily, people with trauma histories and exposure to narcissism in childhood are often vulnerable to similar relationships in adulthood. Addressing the underlying traumas and understanding things that make us prone to attracting toxic relationships can help to break the patterns of trauma bonds and narcissistic relationships.

The biggest hurdle to helping narcissists in therapy is motivation, but if you are motivated to change, therapy can help you to; recognize harmful patterns, develop empathy, regulate emotions, reduce harmful behaviors and build healthier relationships.

Our approach:

  • Focus on outcomes, not labels
  • Avoid direct criticism
  • Practical, structured approaches
  • Focus on your goals

If you are ready to protect your reputation, improve your performance, fix relationships that are important to you, reduce stress, anger, or feeling misunderstood contact us to get started.